Silence is Golden...

I stopped snoring.

I know that doesn’t sound like much to you –
but it is very big to me (and to my wife).
I’m not a constant snorer but in the last year, it had become more frequent and it was devastating to me – causing my wife to lovingly flee our bedroom for quieter quarters. She claimed to not mind too much – but it was killing me. So after taking pills and putting strips across my nose to little avail, I was becoming depressed. Now, I find that my weight loss has finally silenced me...

Oh, and I can go longer than before...
longer without huffing, puffing and needing a rest.
I don’t need a nap when I’m done...
I can even bend down without strain, which is helpful, too.
All in all, my wife is very pleased, because now when I walk the dog, the dog comes home exhausted – not me. (You know that’s what I was talking about, right?)

The weight loss is showing real benefits and it continues to inspire me to try for more.

My knee (the one without the meniscus – thanks to arthroscopic surgery... originally I thought it was orthoscopic and they were going down through my mouth!)...
anyway, my knee doesn’t ache

The skin irritation on my calves that showed up from time to time, seems to be gone (or at least away for the summer)

I’m not hungry as often

Not eating out of boredom, I’m getting more done.

I’ve yet to discover the joys of tofu, but I am getting to enjoy all sorts of new beans and pods...

I do find that with the weight loss becoming evident in my face, I need to trim my beard more often... but I can live with that.

Now, my pants don’t fit... and I have no ass
(excuse me for being crude... if this offends you, assume that I lack an equine best suited for carrying cargo).
Back to my pants and lack of posterior definition... I’ve never had any luck – I’m a 48 old anglo-saxon – not a big surprise. I did notice in the paper the other day, that they are now selling bootie panties for women, with added padding so that even Olive Oyle can look like Beyoncé... I wonder if there’s a man’s product on the horizon?? It would solve both of my problems at once... just imagine!

Okay, don’t.

Let’s just go back to the fact that I’m no longer snoring and be happy with that.
I know that I am.

Stuck - Now What??

As a strategy game, I am told it's great.
In Nigeria, the state is awesome..
When Mordecai Richler sets stories within it's confines, it is incredible.
When you're living it... not so much.

I am speaking of the "Plateau"

I haven't posted in the last 9 days because, frankly, not much has happened. My weight loss as stalled... I have "plateaued".
It is to be expected (so I am told).
It will pass (so I'm told)
Things will begin to proceed soon (STOP telling me!)

I am sitting at 259 and have been so for more than a week. On one hand, I'm glad to be staying below 260 - especially with the steak tartare et frites,the four restaurant meals; the 13th St. Rosé,Tokaji, Red Breast Irish Whiskey (yes, real men spell whiskey with an "e"), the Huff Sparking Wine, Cahors, Fumé Blanc, Cremant de Bourgougne and Tequila Sunrise that somehow managed to find their way into my last 10 days. To be clear, I don't drink nearly as much as the preceding list implies - small pours, all of them... except those that were bottles... but shared!. Anyway, lots of summer celebratory behaviour leads me to be happy with maintaining my weight... but my general impatience is finding this all very frustrating.

I need to do something to kick the weight loss back into action. I could give up mayonnaise... but I don't really eat enough mayo that it would make much of a difference. I could stop giving into my insane craving for chocolate. (Yes, it's true I have the strangest craving for chocolate... I really fear that I'm about to turn into a 48 year old woman at any moment...). I have satisfied this craving by adding a handful of smarties to my large bag of nuts that I snack on twice a day. One handful of nuts and berries, twice a day - now with three or four Smarties included. I don't think cutting that out is going to make a difference.

What do I ingest in quantity that I could give up??

Hmmmm...

I thought about it; I tossed and turned... I consulted on-line psychics... I read my fortune with Old Maid Cards (gave my Tarot Cards to a local Jehovah`s Witness Fundraiser)
Finally, it hit me... it was so obvious, I don't know how I missed it.

I could give up wine.

Well, not all wine... perhaps I could give up Mexican Pinot Noir or almost anything from Australia! (not enough, eh?)

I could give up Burgundy... ouch!
I could give up Champagne... sacré bleu
I could give up Sparkling wine... fi
I could give up Burgungy... NEVER!
I could give up Malvoire, Norman Hardie, Fielding Estates, Hidden Bench, Huff, 13th Street... Get the behind me, Stan!!
(I don`t know who Stan is, but I suspect he`s a teatottler)

Given the enormity of this decision;
the importance of this decision
I have decided
to

re-dedicate myself to the gym.



I just couldn't find any single thing that I could change in consumption that would make a difference, so I need to increase my body's demand for calories.

More exercise.
Perfect!!


I should go right now...
off to the gym.
I have some time. My bag is packed, my Ipod loaded and my towel dry..

But suddenly, I realize that I should trim my beard.
Clean my desk
Arrange my shoes (see, I am turning into a 48 year old woman!)
Write a sermon
Call an old friend
Cut the grass
Watch 2001 and 2010 (I PVR'd them last week)
Play guitar
Play the flugelhorn
Take up the zither...

Yeah, I think I'll hit the gym tomorrow and see if that gets me off the plateau...
(although I will confess, that I'm getting to like the view...
and the food is great!)

Wish me luck
(or at least invite me to lunch)

The Lost Weekend

Okay, so I gained a couple of pounds.
It's really my first move back up the scale since I started 7 weeks ago.
I'm not beating myself up over it (flagellation leads to scars, which I'm pretty sure have weight... so, no severe beatings). It was just a weekend.. you know.. my personal Moriarty appeared in disguise and an old, old adversary came to town... Oh, and it was the World Cup.

Allow me to explain.
It's summer and I believe that the season should be celebrated, so out my sweetie and I went on Friday night - strolling by RubyWatchco, like we had a shot in hell at getting in for dinner. (but, I get points for the effort and the extra walk... and perhaps I can blame Lynn Crawford for what happened the rest of the night). I often can swing these things - get a table without a reservation - but alas, not that night. Instead we found ourselves at the always delightful Romagna Mia - marvelous Northern Italian cuisine, with a staff that is nothing short of delightful in their indifference. I have never experienced what a critic would call good service at RM - but I love every one of the wait staff. They treat you like family... and who dotes on family?? They point you to your table, they often describe wine incorrectly, bring you the wrong wine, even.. but it always turns out to be a good choice. Once a waiter insisted that a specific producer that I requested did not make the Prosecco that I desired - I was mistaken, I was confused, I was an idiot... (he didn't realize that I understand Italian). 20 minutes later, having found the Prosecco that I had requested, he went on to tell me that it was his very favourite Prosecco and one of the finest that could be found in Canada!! I love this place.
What does any of this have to do with my weight? Well, Northern Italian... I started with a cheese plate (Parmigiano-Reggiano w/ balsamic vinegar; Pecorino w/ chestnut honey; Gorgonzola w/ walnuts) and of course, Pasta... now, solo pasta - no seconde... gorgeous Tagliatelle alla Bolognese con Piselli Freschi, without a big red sauce, just a little tomato paste and fresh peas. Not much of a problem... but they also have gorgeous breads which they serve hot with Carli Olive Oil. Now, I have resisted nearly all bread since I began this journey... I turn away from fresh baguette, I eat whole grain wraps in stead of sandwich bread... I toast sprouted grains for breakfast... but they got me. I'm halfway through my second wonderfully warm piece before I realize it. And further, the delightfully unrushed pace means more time to drink. A bottle of Prosecco; Amarone with the Bolognese and for dessert, Grappa...

The next day included a wedding at which I was officiant... and so all of dinner was planned and largely prepared before I got home. My sons and their partners were about, so my wife planned grilled quesadilla on the BBQ. Great idea...easy to share, eat with your hands... beautiful chicken, refried beans, tomato, oninon, peppers, cheese... sour cream, salsa, guacamole... wait a minute!!! Regular readers of this blog may have already heard the ominous "Dunh, Dunh, Dah" playing the background. The melted cheese should have alerted me... The game's afoot!!! It was my personal Moriarty; my arch enemy - Nachos!!!!! Just folded over to fool me... and fool me he almost did.
I was tucking into my third... when I stopped!! Get thee behind me, SATAN! (not Santana, for him I want front row) I spat it from my lips... but I was slow and I know that the sour cream and melted cheese had found it's way into my stomach, into my heart... into my very soul.
Oh yes... and what Nachos didn't do, his girl friends, Marg and Rita did! No man is a match for those saucy ladies... Tequila and Lime described my evening.

I made a vow to do better the next day... World Cup Final Sunday.

For whom would I cheer? The Dutch - with all of that deep dried butter food?? The Spanish with fresh fish... but so many tiny tapas that I easily lose count and soon my waist begins to look like a Dali painting...
I thought to eschew them all and go with a simple feast of fresh raw vegetables.
BUT... but then, I got a migraine.
Now, if you don`t know about such things - you don`t know. Please don`t pretend... or try to imagine. I go blind. As a teenager, migraines could last for 2 and 3 days - now a day. As I felt my vision going and realized that I would have to be at work in the next hour or so (they expect the Minister to show up on Sundays - go figure), I realized that I would need to take my meds.
The big guns.
A pill that restores my sight, clears my head... and leaves me sweating like a race horse and feeling like I`ve been run over by self same nag.
But I can work.

I took the pill. I was restored... I went to work.
I crawled back home; lay down on the couch to watch the World Cup Final...
and then the munchies hit.
They always do after I take this pill... I have eaten two bags of Oreos, a box of Ritz Crackers and three bags of Doritos in a previous post migraine Feeding Frenzy. I wanted to hold off... I wanted to stay my hunger... but blood was in the water... and I was ravenous. I ate 1/2 a bag of Sour Cream and Bacon chips; 1/2 bag of Bridge Mix; an Ice Cream Bar (Maple, if you're counting); a chicken breast with the skin attached, a white bread roll... a small salad of tomato and cucumber (see, I tried)... Now it was a lot less than I would have devoured before... but far more junk than I have consumed in the past 7 weeks.
Oh... and 2 bottles of Crémant de Bourgogne (Champagne style sparkling wine from Burgundy). It would have been more; it would have been Champagne if Les Bleus or Cote d'Ivoire had won.

And so, today... Monday... my scale has slapped me for my lost weekend. I have gained three pounds..

c'est la vie... I need to let it go. My enemies got me, but they didn't hurt me as they have in the past... and I live to fight another day.

Grin and Bear it...

First, an update; then, what's really on my mind.
Update: Tough couple of days - Canada Day and we started the day with Canadian Sparkling Wine (Cuvée Catherine)and Chocolate Croissant - it's a tradition. It was gorgeous day to sit out and eat and drink Canada... Oka cheese, Strawberries, Scallops, Pork Loin, fresh Pickerel, greens from my backyard, glorious wines from Fielding Estates, Thirty Bench... and then roasting marshmallows in the backyard watching fireworks. Not good for weight loss... so I didn't look.
Friday - Toronto Fringe Festival - 4 plays, lots of walking... but also stopping for a glass of wine between plays, street meat for a quick lunch.. oh, and a pint of Guinness at 11am watching the World Cup (Ho, Ho, HOLY HOLLAND!!) Out for dinner... and I didn't want to weigh in at the end of that day. Sort of started to think that I'd probably put all of my lost weight back on... but fear not, gentle reader... I hit the scales today still below 260! So, I've lost about 24 pound real pounds or 21 according to the contest (remember, I lied at my weigh in, not wanting to admit that I weighed 283).
So, my sins were not so egregious... BUT they sure were fun! (Just want you wanted to hear from a preacher: The Joys of Sin)

Now, to what's really on my mind:

After what I thought was a hot date... teenage me, taking home teenage hottie, after a light dinner and great evening of theater (very sophisticated, me thinksed) heard these words - "Gee thanks, that was really neat, the sort of thing my mother would take me to"

At lunch not long ago... no where near teenage me, enjoying lunch with a hottie (probably out of my league, but I only play home games now, so who cares?), heard these words - "that's a really nice shirt... very LL Bean.. I buy those shirts for my Dad"

The girl and the woman who delivered these crushing blows, had no idea that they were dealing with a very fragile male ego. A male who looks in the mirror and does not see Winnie-the-Pooh with a beard, but sees Humphrey Bogart in "Casablanca", Cary Grant in "To Catch a Thief" and Roger Moore in "The Saint". In an instant that illusion is shattered... But I am a big boy, I pick myself up, focus my energies and reclaim my delusions! In both cases, I drove away very quickly, screeched into a bar and calmly ordered a vodka, martini, shaken not stirred.... and waited for the James Bond theme to start playing in my head again.

Currently, the one that gets me is.. "Oh, you look like you've lost weight, you must feel so much better...!" Words offered by kind, loving well-meaning folk... but words that strip away my fantasies of being a Millionaire Ninja, masquerading as a minister, and remind me that I am pretty much a regular guy who really needed (and needs) to lose weight. I'm not always as gracious as I might be when people say these things... but I am trying.
I am reminded of friend named David. I haven't seen David in over 20 years, but when I knew him, he weighed close to 400 lbs and then he lost over 180lbs. Everyone kept telling him how great he looked and how happy he must be to have lost all of that weight... After about 6 months of this, he began to intentionally put it back on again. He was so tired of people telling him how great he looked - he didn't like having his own view of himself corrected (or assaulted), so he put it back on again so that people would stop talking about him.
I'm not there... I'm happy when people say encouraging things and I wouldn't want people to feel that they couldn't say anything around me... but I am a little surprised how many people don't recognize me as Cary Grant's twin brother... and so, I have to work a little at being gracious and even harder at maintaining the illusion of being a young Robert Wagner - because clearly nobody is going to do it for me.